


You Can't Keep a Good Tick Down

by Cousin Shelley (CousinShelley)



Category: The Tick (TV 2017), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, Optimism, Vampires, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:21:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21949495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinShelley/pseuds/Cousin%20Shelley
Summary: Colin's office has a new hire with an unusual friend.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 26
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	You Can't Keep a Good Tick Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fenellaevangela](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenellaevangela/gifts).



Colin Robinson looked into the camera. “Since Evie left, we’ve been short-staffed, but I’m told we’re getting a new employee this morning, Arthur Everest. Fresh meat,” he said, monotone, but he smiled. A new employee was like being given something pure, clear and cold, not slightly muddied like the people he fed off of every day. 

When the new employee was shown to his cubicle, Colin frowned and glanced toward the camera. “He already looks drained. I wonder if Evie came by human resources today to do her final paperwork and caught him on the way in.” The tiniest smile played at his lips. “She’s so greedy.”

Colin waited until the new hire was alone, then approached his desk, coffee cup in hand. "So, I’m told you’re you're Arthur Everest, our newest cubicle jockey. Welcome to the office." He held out his hand. "I'm Colin Robinson, your official office welcoming committee." He wiggled his fingers in the air. "Wheee. Welcome."

Arthur smiled “Thanks.”

Colin snickered. "I'm just kidding. We don't have the budget for a welcoming committee, and probably even if we did nobody in this office would show enough of an interest in any new employee to want to participate in one."

"Oh." Arthur pushed his keyboard forward. "Well, thanks for the welcome anyway."

"No problem. Just doing my part to make this place less of the grinding bore it is on a day to day basis. You’re looking a little nervous there. Do you have any kind of nervous condition? Because, fair warning, the boss is going through some personal problems and likes to take it out on new people. You may want to see your doctor if crippling stress is going to be an issue.”

Arthur stared at him, then noticed the camera. 

“Don’t mind that, it’s a documentary about hellish working conditions. So, is Arthur a family name?"

"What?"

"It's a very old name and not at all popular these days, so I thought it might be your father's name, or your grandfather's, or your great-grandfather's--"

"No. Not that I know of." Arthur opened a file folder on his desk, but closed it. He fidgeted. He was _delicious_. 

"Did you know that Arthur means courageous and noble? It’s a good old-fashioned, very out of date and out of fashion name for a boy. I think the Celtic meaning is strong as a bear. Not sure your parents hit the nail on the head with that one, huh?" He chuckled, and open his mouth wider. 

"What--did your eyes just flash?"

"How could they do that?" Colin snapped his mouth closed. "I'm probably developing cataracts that reflected these horrible fluorescent lights. Have you ever looked at yourself under a bright fluorescent light? Every tiny flaw in your skin stands out, so probably the light reflected against my aging corneas. That or you had a hallucination. Is there any history of mental illness in your family you should be concerned about?"

"No!” Arthur looked around the office, rolling his chair backwards like he was about to get up, so Colin leaned in the doorway to his cubicle, casually blocking it.

"No need to get defensive. It was an innocent question, but anyway, back to your name. Maybe you don't have the strength of a bear, but you know there _are_ a lot of serial killers named Arthur, so the killing part of the bear meaning could always be accurate. Won't know unless you start serial killing people, I guess."

Colin lifted his coffee cup to his lips, but he didn’t sip coffee. 

"There aren't . . . a lot of serial killers named Arthur.” Arthur pushed his glasses up his nose. “I can't think of a single one."

"Oh yes, there's Arthur John Shawcross. He was the Genessee River Killer who murdered what's believed to be fourteen people in the 70s and 80s. And of course there's Arthur Leigh Allen, a man widely believed to be the infamous Zodiac Killer."

"That's two. That's not a lot."

"Those are the two I can think of off the top of my head, but there are bound to be more because I’m not even particularly up on serial killers. In fact--"

"Arthur!" A great blue beetle that stood taller than Colin, taller than nearly everyone in the office, bounded down the aisle carrying a brown paper grocery sack that appeared at least half full. He said, “Excuse me, Friend,” to Colin and stepped past to hand it to Arthur. "You forgot the lunch I made you."

"Thanks, Tick." Arthur stood and grabbed Tick’s arm, pushing him toward the door. 

Colin grimaced at the camera. "Hello." Colin held out his hand to the newcomer. "I'm Colin Robinson, Arthur's new best friend in the office."

“A new office best friend, Arthur!” Tick clapped him on the back and smiled. “I knew you’d meet some wonderful people at your new place of employment.”

Colin cleared his throat, his head twitching to the side. “I was just telling Arthur here about all the murderers who share his name. I hadn’t even gotten to his last name yet which shares a name with the site of a terrible eruption and landslide in--”

“Murderers?” Tick put his fists on his hips, or his carapace where hips should be. “Perhaps we should leave here, Arthur, and put an end to their dastardly mayhem.”

“No, Tick, they’re not killing anybody now. In the past.”

Tick nodded as if he’d understood all along. 

“And there were only two,” Arthur added. Colin sneered. 

“But heroes,” Tick said, a finger in the air. “Arthur is an excellent hero name. Your mother and I watched a documentary about Arthur Pendragon and the Knights of the Round Table just last week.”

Colin chuckled. “Good one, but historians generally agree that there’s no real evidence he ever existed.”

“Then as a myth, he serves as a wonderful and truly heroic figure.”

“N-no.” Colin exhaled slowly. “I don’t think so, necessarily. If you look at the myth--”

“Thanks, Tick, for bringing my lunch.” Arthur patted him. “Don’t you have things to do? Or maybe things you need my help doing? Because I can leave if--”

“Nope.” He smiled at Arthur, then at Colin.”You should enjoy getting to know your new coworkers. Like Colin Robinson who has so kindly befriended you, even on your very first day!” 

“The Tick. Hmm.” Colin pretended to sip his coffee. “Did you know that ticks are bloodsuckers that carry potentially chronic and crippling illnesses? Throughout much of Europe, it’s an endemic problem where a high percentage of people are infected by pulmonary illnesses spread by ticks.”

Tick stared at him, his face blank. 

_I’ve got him now._

“Pulmonary illnesses involve the respiratory system, so it’s pretty serious. And there’s Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Lyme Disease, infections . . . the only insect that spreads more diseases to humans than ticks is the mosquito. And you can’t even imagine how many horrible diseases mosquitoes carry.”

Colin opened his mouth, waiting for the flow of energy. 

“That. Is. _Fascinating_.” Tick patted Colin’s upper arms. “You are a fount of knowledge, my friend. Arthur, how lucky are you to have someone who knows so much about so many things right here in your office?” 

Colin snapped his head toward the camera, eyes wide.

“Tell me, Friend, have you ever been bitten by a mosquito?” Tick leaned close, anticipating the answer. 

Of course he hadn’t. Mosquitoes didn’t bite vampires, but he couldn’t explain that. “Yes, but--”

“So you’ve come down with one of those terrible maladies?” 

“No, not everyone who’s bitten contracts a disease. But many do and that’s my--”

“”You’re very lucky, then. I don’t think I can be bitten by a mosquito, or if I have been, I don’t remember. That makes me even luckier, doesn’t it, Arthur?” Tick, pleased with himself, clapped both Arthur and Colin on the shoulder. 

“I-I suppose so, Tick," Arthur said. 

Colin stepped back, out of Tick’s reach. He grimaced, hunger gnawing at him, and swallowed hard, desperate for even a tiny sip, from anywhere. 

“Arthur,” Colin said, “I’ll bet with your pale skin and hair color, you get bitten by a lot of mosquitoes. I’ve read they’re attracted to light colors, and nervous people put out a certain scent in their sweat that draws them, too. Pretty unlucky for you. Double whammy there.”

Tick leaned down and sniffed Arthur. “What do nerves smell like? I don’t think I smell any. Is that a new aftershave, Arthur? It’s very nice.”

Arthur sighed, then chuckled. Colin’s stomach cramped. 

“Look it was nice meeting you,” Colin said, “but I’ve got to get back to the spreadsheets and--”

Tick put an arm around Colin’s shoulders. “First, tell me more about these mosquitoes. I think I want to be on the lookout to keep them away from Arthur when I can, especially if they're attracted to his sweat, because he can sweat a _lot_.”

“Well, let's see, um . . ." Colin rubbed his forehead. He looked at his fingertips. _Am I sweating_ ? _Can I even do that? "_ Th-there’s citronella you can buy in sprays or bracelets or burn in candles around where you’re outside at night when they bite, but for some people the rash it causes is worse than the mosquito bites.”

“A rash wouldn’t be worse than Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, would it?”

“Well, no, but--”

“Do you think there’s a chance I could communicate with these mosquitoes and ask them politely not to bite my friend?”

Colin’s eyes widened as he was led past the camera toward the coffee machine. Tick picked up the pot and drank directly from it. 

“No, I’m quite sure you can’t ask them that. Or you can, I suppose, but they won’t understand you.”

“Really?” Tick said, as if what Colin said was one of the most interesting things he’d ever heard. “Because I know quite a few lobsters that are easier to communicate with than you’d think. Perhaps between the two of us we can figure out a way to get a message through to them not to bite my sweaty partner.”

A half an hour later, Colin backed out of his cubicle. “I’m going to have to talk to HR about Arthur and the policy for visitors. You-you’re disrupting the flow of work in this office.” He stumbled backward but caught himself before he fell. 

Tick followed him, holding his hands out to help him. “You’ve just made me so curious about so many things. I didn’t mean to take up too much of your time.”

“Back.” Colin hurried away, pointing. “You stay back.” As he passed the cameraman, he hissed, “He’s a menace.”

Don from Sales walked past him, heading for the bathroom. Colin could have wept with relief. 

“Hey, Don. Are you still having digestion issues like you did last week? You know, diarrhea is the number one cause of dehydration-related deaths worldwide. Maybe you should call your doctor and have that looked into?”

Colin slipped into the next stall, feeding off Don and giving Tick plenty of time to leave before he dared come out for lunch. 


End file.
